I just lost my mom about three weeks ago. She died from complications from a “minor” surgery at age 71. She was healthy for the most part. The doctor said there was no physical reason she shouldn’t have made it through the surgery. Her death was very sudden and unexpected. This was a tragic loss for my son, family, her friends and me.
Mom was one of my best friends and my hero. If anyone had reasons to be bitter and angry at life, she did. And she was in her younger years. However, later in life she embraced life, loved life, took pleasure in little things, lived in the very moment, knew what to hold loosely (things) and what to hold tightly (faith in God, family and friends). Mom grew to see life as half full (really even more than that). She “came alive” in her retirement home & enjoyed the latter part of her life especially. She was a dear mom, grandma, sister, aunt, and friend to all who knew her.
I have not been a stranger to grief in my life. However, this was the most painful, stressful, heart-wrenching and saddest experience I have had up to this point in my life. Dad died about 31 years ago and mom died about three weeks ago. It’s a strange and sad feeling being an adult orphan now at almost 50-years-old.
This puts the spotlight on one of life’s most realistic and saddest experiences - death and grief. It’s real, it’s normal, it’s hard, and it will touch us all at one time or another in our lives. Sometimes, it will come numerous times.
Death can come in many forms. There’s a death of a job when one is fired or laid off. There is a death of a relationship when there is a break up or divorce. There is a death to our dreams when the dream does not happen as we thought. There is a death of companionship when a beloved pet dies.
To love deeply is to open ourselves up to pain and grief when the one we love dies or leaves (or whatever the grief is concerning). To love deeply opens us up to vulnerability. However, I would NOT trade the closeness of my relationship with mom even though to love her meant I hurt deeply when she died.
What are some things we will experience during our grief and how can we get through it? Possessing this knowledge is vital when we are grieving.
There are “stages of grief” that we all go through when we experience a loss. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified these stages as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. This does not mean that we will have a smooth transition from one to the next to the next. We will more than likely “bounce” back-and-forth between each of them many times and in various orders. For example, after a month of the loss we may feel acceptance. A few days later we may experience depression again. That same day we may feel anger. A week later we may feel denial again. After that we may feel acceptance and then go back to anger and then back to acceptance. This is 100% normal and to be expected. Grief can produce some physical discomforts like headaches, chest pains, lack of appetite, etc., too.
People with well-meaning intentions will tell us things that are meant to help but don’t. “She or he is in a better place.” “At least they are not suffering anymore.” At least you have one parent left.” “Be strong.” “Don’t spend your time thinking about it.” “God will get you through it.” “God needed him or her so He took them to be with Him.” The list goes on. Though some of these things are true and can provide some comfort, people have to be very careful and sensitive to the timing and amount of grief one has. If grieving, we may need to kindly say to the person/persons telling us this that we appreciate their trying to help, but we just need to be able to feel without being fixed right now.
Let’s give ourselves grace when grieving. Take some time off work. Realize it’s okay if we don’t feel like doing anything for a period of time. If we’re tired, let’s sleep. If we don’t feel like cooking, order out for a few days. If we’re angry at God, at life, at the person who died (or left) for dying (or leaving), at ourselves, etc., this is perfectly normal. Remember that anger is a natural part of grief. God understands. He’s the one who designed the grief process. He’s not mad at us for being mad at Him. Someone said that God has big shoulders. He can take it.
Let’s realize that there are things we wish we would have said or done differently. As close as I was to my mom, and though I said some good things to her, I grieved that there were other things I wanted to say and do that I didn’t get the chance to say and do. This will probably “hit” us all. Death can be sudden and unexpected. They knew our love for them. Sure we said things and did things that were a little aloof of hurtful at times. That’s humanity. That’s relationship. That’s family dynamics. We have also said and did things that affirmed our thoughts and love to them as well. We cannot beat ourselves up with the “woulda,” “coulda,” “shoulda,” “if only,” and other defeating thoughts. These will torment us. If we’re feeling this way, let’s seek out a professional therapist, pastor, family member or friend who can and will affirm us during our guilt.
Talk about our loved one and our grief. Some think if we talk about the loved one and “dwell on him/her,” that it is worse. The opposite couldn’t be truer. Grief will never subside to a “livable” size if we don’t allow ourselves to grieve. I have counseled people who have buried grief only to have it surface 20 years later. This happened to me regarding my dad’s death. It surfaced 20 years later in a lot of anger. Think about our loved one, talk about them, cry, laugh at fun memories, get angry, feel sad, feel hurt, and cry some more, miss them, remember them, and look at pictures. Though grieving lasts longer for some than others, it will eventually lighten only if we allow ourselves to grieve.
Find a good support group. Talk to family, friends, a therapist, a pastor, or a grief support group. This is not a sign of weakness but of strength in that we are facing our grief in order to eventually heal. Let’s make sure that our support is safe. In other words let’s not talk to people who tell us to “hurry and get on with life.” A good support is to talk with those who have experienced a death of a loved one (or a pet, or divorce, or job loss, etc.). They have felt the pain and are more likely to be understanding, compassionate, and listen.
If you enjoy animals, think about eventually getting a pet. Not everyone is a pet lover. If we enjoy pets, but don’t have one, think about getting a pet. Pets have been proven to lower stress, lower blood pressure & heart rate, and give a sense of calm to those who enjoy pets.
Rely on our faith in the Lord. Now, this does NOT mean “Just give our hurt to Jesus!” Our grief is valid and “sacred.” It does mean that 1) Jesus knows our loss, 2) He cares about each tear, 3) He hurts with us, and 4) He will comfort us little by little as we grieve. We may not be able to pray a lot or look to the Scriptures a lot due to our grief. However, one day we may only be able to say a ten second prayer to ask God for His help. This is perfectly fine to God. Remember, it will do us good to be gracious to ourselves and to not expect too much too soon.
Visit the gravesite if that’s what we desire or need to do. I’ve heard others say through the years, “Why do people go to the gravesite anyway? The person is not there. They’re with the Lord!” Usually people who say that have not lost a loved one they were deeply attached to. Or, they have not faced their grief. If we want to, let’s visit the gravesite. Talk to our loved one if we desire. Who knows, God may allow our loved one to hear our words of love and affirmation. I’m not talking about “talking to the dead” in a psychic kind of way. Not at all. I’m simply saying that we are verbalizing our thoughts and feelings of affirmation and love to the one who died. This can be very healing.
If we want to place flowers on the grave or ornaments, let’s feel free to do just that. There is nothing wrong with this if it’s what we want to do to express our grief and appreciation.
Have a memorial of the loved one. We can plant a tree, a flower, have a little memorial garden in our yard, etc. When my son graduates, he’s going to have a small token in his pocket of his grandma (my mom) that belonged to her. It’ll kind of be like her being there for him.
I’m sure there are other things we can do to help work through grief. These, or a few of these, may be a good place to start.
If grief gets complicated, like turning to excessive drinking, drugs, eating, deep depression that is lasting a long time, severe withdraw, etc., let’s seek professional help from a caring and competent therapist who will be able to help us grieve and process through our grief over time. Let’s not suffer in silence or all alone.
If you are personally experiencing a death, divorce, loss of a job, the death of a pet, etc., my heart and prayers are with you and for you. It hurts. It will hurt. Surround yourself with people who deeply love you. You are worth their love.
~Earl E. Hocquard, MACP
Mom was one of my best friends and my hero. If anyone had reasons to be bitter and angry at life, she did. And she was in her younger years. However, later in life she embraced life, loved life, took pleasure in little things, lived in the very moment, knew what to hold loosely (things) and what to hold tightly (faith in God, family and friends). Mom grew to see life as half full (really even more than that). She “came alive” in her retirement home & enjoyed the latter part of her life especially. She was a dear mom, grandma, sister, aunt, and friend to all who knew her.
I have not been a stranger to grief in my life. However, this was the most painful, stressful, heart-wrenching and saddest experience I have had up to this point in my life. Dad died about 31 years ago and mom died about three weeks ago. It’s a strange and sad feeling being an adult orphan now at almost 50-years-old.
This puts the spotlight on one of life’s most realistic and saddest experiences - death and grief. It’s real, it’s normal, it’s hard, and it will touch us all at one time or another in our lives. Sometimes, it will come numerous times.
Death can come in many forms. There’s a death of a job when one is fired or laid off. There is a death of a relationship when there is a break up or divorce. There is a death to our dreams when the dream does not happen as we thought. There is a death of companionship when a beloved pet dies.
To love deeply is to open ourselves up to pain and grief when the one we love dies or leaves (or whatever the grief is concerning). To love deeply opens us up to vulnerability. However, I would NOT trade the closeness of my relationship with mom even though to love her meant I hurt deeply when she died.
What are some things we will experience during our grief and how can we get through it? Possessing this knowledge is vital when we are grieving.
There are “stages of grief” that we all go through when we experience a loss. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified these stages as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. This does not mean that we will have a smooth transition from one to the next to the next. We will more than likely “bounce” back-and-forth between each of them many times and in various orders. For example, after a month of the loss we may feel acceptance. A few days later we may experience depression again. That same day we may feel anger. A week later we may feel denial again. After that we may feel acceptance and then go back to anger and then back to acceptance. This is 100% normal and to be expected. Grief can produce some physical discomforts like headaches, chest pains, lack of appetite, etc., too.
People with well-meaning intentions will tell us things that are meant to help but don’t. “She or he is in a better place.” “At least they are not suffering anymore.” At least you have one parent left.” “Be strong.” “Don’t spend your time thinking about it.” “God will get you through it.” “God needed him or her so He took them to be with Him.” The list goes on. Though some of these things are true and can provide some comfort, people have to be very careful and sensitive to the timing and amount of grief one has. If grieving, we may need to kindly say to the person/persons telling us this that we appreciate their trying to help, but we just need to be able to feel without being fixed right now.
Let’s give ourselves grace when grieving. Take some time off work. Realize it’s okay if we don’t feel like doing anything for a period of time. If we’re tired, let’s sleep. If we don’t feel like cooking, order out for a few days. If we’re angry at God, at life, at the person who died (or left) for dying (or leaving), at ourselves, etc., this is perfectly normal. Remember that anger is a natural part of grief. God understands. He’s the one who designed the grief process. He’s not mad at us for being mad at Him. Someone said that God has big shoulders. He can take it.
Let’s realize that there are things we wish we would have said or done differently. As close as I was to my mom, and though I said some good things to her, I grieved that there were other things I wanted to say and do that I didn’t get the chance to say and do. This will probably “hit” us all. Death can be sudden and unexpected. They knew our love for them. Sure we said things and did things that were a little aloof of hurtful at times. That’s humanity. That’s relationship. That’s family dynamics. We have also said and did things that affirmed our thoughts and love to them as well. We cannot beat ourselves up with the “woulda,” “coulda,” “shoulda,” “if only,” and other defeating thoughts. These will torment us. If we’re feeling this way, let’s seek out a professional therapist, pastor, family member or friend who can and will affirm us during our guilt.
Talk about our loved one and our grief. Some think if we talk about the loved one and “dwell on him/her,” that it is worse. The opposite couldn’t be truer. Grief will never subside to a “livable” size if we don’t allow ourselves to grieve. I have counseled people who have buried grief only to have it surface 20 years later. This happened to me regarding my dad’s death. It surfaced 20 years later in a lot of anger. Think about our loved one, talk about them, cry, laugh at fun memories, get angry, feel sad, feel hurt, and cry some more, miss them, remember them, and look at pictures. Though grieving lasts longer for some than others, it will eventually lighten only if we allow ourselves to grieve.
Find a good support group. Talk to family, friends, a therapist, a pastor, or a grief support group. This is not a sign of weakness but of strength in that we are facing our grief in order to eventually heal. Let’s make sure that our support is safe. In other words let’s not talk to people who tell us to “hurry and get on with life.” A good support is to talk with those who have experienced a death of a loved one (or a pet, or divorce, or job loss, etc.). They have felt the pain and are more likely to be understanding, compassionate, and listen.
If you enjoy animals, think about eventually getting a pet. Not everyone is a pet lover. If we enjoy pets, but don’t have one, think about getting a pet. Pets have been proven to lower stress, lower blood pressure & heart rate, and give a sense of calm to those who enjoy pets.
Rely on our faith in the Lord. Now, this does NOT mean “Just give our hurt to Jesus!” Our grief is valid and “sacred.” It does mean that 1) Jesus knows our loss, 2) He cares about each tear, 3) He hurts with us, and 4) He will comfort us little by little as we grieve. We may not be able to pray a lot or look to the Scriptures a lot due to our grief. However, one day we may only be able to say a ten second prayer to ask God for His help. This is perfectly fine to God. Remember, it will do us good to be gracious to ourselves and to not expect too much too soon.
Visit the gravesite if that’s what we desire or need to do. I’ve heard others say through the years, “Why do people go to the gravesite anyway? The person is not there. They’re with the Lord!” Usually people who say that have not lost a loved one they were deeply attached to. Or, they have not faced their grief. If we want to, let’s visit the gravesite. Talk to our loved one if we desire. Who knows, God may allow our loved one to hear our words of love and affirmation. I’m not talking about “talking to the dead” in a psychic kind of way. Not at all. I’m simply saying that we are verbalizing our thoughts and feelings of affirmation and love to the one who died. This can be very healing.
If we want to place flowers on the grave or ornaments, let’s feel free to do just that. There is nothing wrong with this if it’s what we want to do to express our grief and appreciation.
Have a memorial of the loved one. We can plant a tree, a flower, have a little memorial garden in our yard, etc. When my son graduates, he’s going to have a small token in his pocket of his grandma (my mom) that belonged to her. It’ll kind of be like her being there for him.
I’m sure there are other things we can do to help work through grief. These, or a few of these, may be a good place to start.
If grief gets complicated, like turning to excessive drinking, drugs, eating, deep depression that is lasting a long time, severe withdraw, etc., let’s seek professional help from a caring and competent therapist who will be able to help us grieve and process through our grief over time. Let’s not suffer in silence or all alone.
If you are personally experiencing a death, divorce, loss of a job, the death of a pet, etc., my heart and prayers are with you and for you. It hurts. It will hurt. Surround yourself with people who deeply love you. You are worth their love.
~Earl E. Hocquard, MACP
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